Dec 24, 2009
Dec 22, 2009
Dec 20, 2009
Dec 18, 2009
H-Ectomy 5:06 PM
"If you're in enough pain, you'll put anything in your butt."
-Me on my mother's painkiller suppository.
Dec 13, 2009
Dec 8, 2009
Dec 4, 2009
Dec 3, 2009
Who The Hell Poops In A Urinal? 4:12 PM
The men's bathroom is a strange and wonderful place. I cannot provide any comparison to the ladies room, which I imagine has couches, artwork, and private stalls with heated seats and toilet paper that rivals cashmere in its texture.
A men's room is a post-apocalyptic wasteland. There are holes in the walls, the smell of warm urine in the air, and graffiti scrawled everywhere. No matter the location, the humor of the graffiti is a constant, if not wildly different in class or taste. A truck top (possibly the most vile and sinister of all locations) will have the confederate flag with the words "Call Uncle Sam For A Good Time" scrawled underneath, while a Harvard Science Library bathroom will have an image of a virion and the words "Aaaw skeet skeet mu-fukah," and "aaaw skeet skeet goddam" written underneath with different handwriting. All holes any any bathroom have the obligitory "glory hole" written with an arrow pointing to the offending orafice. This is one of the constants in life that may be the solution to the life, the universe, and everything.
Aside from the graffiti culture and most putrid smell is the behavior of those who choose to urinate in the public forum that we know as the urinal. Most public bathrooms will have my lined up next to one another, and many will not have a barrier separating the the offending receptacles. The male's approach to each urinal is more telling than a polygraph test, Rorschach, and Pap smear combined.
I'm remembering a Flash game from the early days of the internet in 1997 or so, I have recently stumbled upon a version of the game here. No one in there right mind with an average (or less than average) size penis would ever choose the middle urinal. This is a scary place to be, to possibly be flanked by two other burly men who may or may not have the tools to create and implement a glory hole in the blink of an eye.
It is not the latent homophobia that causes a man to choose the urinal with the greatest chance to being close to any other person at all, it is the knowledge that each and every man who enters the bathroom is capable of defiling said bathroom to its current state--single-handedly. What kind of person exactly MISSES the toilet when they are taking a dump? Who finds it acceptable to rip a stall door off its hinges or dismantle the lock on the door? Who the hell POOPS IN A URINAL? The answer may surprise you. It could be your best friend that you have known all your life, the avid sports fan, the vice-president, or that guy that you have always suspected of being capable of pooping in a urinal [these categories are not mutually exclusive, by the way].
In any case, whoever is capable of committing these crimes against humanity, I don't want them peeing next to me.
A men's room is a post-apocalyptic wasteland. There are holes in the walls, the smell of warm urine in the air, and graffiti scrawled everywhere. No matter the location, the humor of the graffiti is a constant, if not wildly different in class or taste. A truck top (possibly the most vile and sinister of all locations) will have the confederate flag with the words "Call Uncle Sam For A Good Time" scrawled underneath, while a Harvard Science Library bathroom will have an image of a virion and the words "Aaaw skeet skeet mu-fukah," and "aaaw skeet skeet goddam" written underneath with different handwriting. All holes any any bathroom have the obligitory "glory hole" written with an arrow pointing to the offending orafice. This is one of the constants in life that may be the solution to the life, the universe, and everything.
Aside from the graffiti culture and most putrid smell is the behavior of those who choose to urinate in the public forum that we know as the urinal. Most public bathrooms will have my lined up next to one another, and many will not have a barrier separating the the offending receptacles. The male's approach to each urinal is more telling than a polygraph test, Rorschach, and Pap smear combined.
I'm remembering a Flash game from the early days of the internet in 1997 or so, I have recently stumbled upon a version of the game here. No one in there right mind with an average (or less than average) size penis would ever choose the middle urinal. This is a scary place to be, to possibly be flanked by two other burly men who may or may not have the tools to create and implement a glory hole in the blink of an eye.
It is not the latent homophobia that causes a man to choose the urinal with the greatest chance to being close to any other person at all, it is the knowledge that each and every man who enters the bathroom is capable of defiling said bathroom to its current state--single-handedly. What kind of person exactly MISSES the toilet when they are taking a dump? Who finds it acceptable to rip a stall door off its hinges or dismantle the lock on the door? Who the hell POOPS IN A URINAL? The answer may surprise you. It could be your best friend that you have known all your life, the avid sports fan, the vice-president, or that guy that you have always suspected of being capable of pooping in a urinal [these categories are not mutually exclusive, by the way].
In any case, whoever is capable of committing these crimes against humanity, I don't want them peeing next to me.
Nov 18, 2009
Next Best Thing To Urinal Chatter 1:02 AM
The Lyrics Are Better Than The Music
My face is stuck in a cheshire grin
I met an English girl
She's like the toast of my whole world
We hit the gas just in order to get away
Ooh ooh ooh
And then we dance all through the whole night
We'll storm the beaches
Head to Mexico
We'll cruise the streets all night
And catch a rock and roll show
We have to do this just in order to get away
Nov 17, 2009
Gym Nudity 10:03 PM
So, recently I have been dabbling in the local gym, the gym culture [as well as the physical exertion involved] was one of the many things that have kept me away from the gym over my 24 years of life. My new gym claims to be absent of the lunkheads that roam for 'tail' at most mainstream gyms, and even has a 'Lunk Alarm' to signal when someone is judging someone else, or generally being a douchebag. I have never seen it go off, but oh how I want to see someone get called out some day.
What I have noticed at this gym is an overwhelming number of gay men making up the male population. I write this at the risk of appearing homophobic, but I can tell who's gay and who's not by the way they stare and your (my) girly little arms. That, and the few people I know there are gay, and spend quite amount of time on the 'massage chairs' simply watching the other guys work out. Actually, I've never seen my friends work out, they just sort of hover and ogle.
Now, I do not know if this is related (and this is where the homophobia probably kicks in), but there is a quality about the men's locker room that makes men think it's acceptable to simply be naked. Now, when I get dressed in the morning, I spend about 0 to 1% of my time completely naked, and when it happens it's usually an accident due to being hungover or trying to put a shirt on where pants are supposed to go. Very few of these sweaty dudes shower at the gym, they seem to prefer to go home first and do their dirty work. So why, when standing in front of their locker is it: 1. shoes, 2. socks, 3. shorts, 4. underwear, 5. shirt followed by minutes, MINUTES of standing there naked?
I guess I would understand if most of these guys resembled Michaelangelo's David...or Ron Jeremy for that matter. But these are just normal guys, 'hanging out,' naked. Is it because they're gay and hoping for some action? I actually don't think so. They're not hot. It just makes me uncomfortable when I'm flanked by two completely nude guys folding their socks.
What are your thoughts? My next entry will be me opining about urinal etiquette. Stay tuned.
What I have noticed at this gym is an overwhelming number of gay men making up the male population. I write this at the risk of appearing homophobic, but I can tell who's gay and who's not by the way they stare and your (my) girly little arms. That, and the few people I know there are gay, and spend quite amount of time on the 'massage chairs' simply watching the other guys work out. Actually, I've never seen my friends work out, they just sort of hover and ogle.
Now, I do not know if this is related (and this is where the homophobia probably kicks in), but there is a quality about the men's locker room that makes men think it's acceptable to simply be naked. Now, when I get dressed in the morning, I spend about 0 to 1% of my time completely naked, and when it happens it's usually an accident due to being hungover or trying to put a shirt on where pants are supposed to go. Very few of these sweaty dudes shower at the gym, they seem to prefer to go home first and do their dirty work. So why, when standing in front of their locker is it: 1. shoes, 2. socks, 3. shorts, 4. underwear, 5. shirt followed by minutes, MINUTES of standing there naked?
I guess I would understand if most of these guys resembled Michaelangelo's David...or Ron Jeremy for that matter. But these are just normal guys, 'hanging out,' naked. Is it because they're gay and hoping for some action? I actually don't think so. They're not hot. It just makes me uncomfortable when I'm flanked by two completely nude guys folding their socks.
What are your thoughts? My next entry will be me opining about urinal etiquette. Stay tuned.
Nov 14, 2009
So You Want To Know What Tyngsboro Is Like? 6:58 PM
Growing up in Tyngsboro is different than growing up anywhere else.
Nov 11, 2009
Projectile Vomit? 7:01 PM
The phrasing of this term has been bothering me for the past few days. What does it actually mean to have projectile vomit? Is there some sort of intent involved? Is there some sort of distance or momentum requirement? I ask these questions because I've noticed over the past few flu seasons that the word "vomit" is without fail associated with the word projectile. I assume that this is used to garner sympathy from those that said vomit is being described to.
Yes, I am sympathetic to the preacher in The Exorcist, that pea soup was DEFINITELY projectile and hit the mark. Or, take this Classy Reporter, this could also probably be described as projectile, but I'm mostly sympathetic that almost 2 million people have viewed this travesty.
But I posit that non-projectile vomit deserves far more sympathy than the projectile species. How exactly does one have vomit without any sort of projection? Well, certainly any images that you conjure in your head are likely to cause you to [projectile] vomit.
What are your thoughts?
Yes, I am sympathetic to the preacher in The Exorcist, that pea soup was DEFINITELY projectile and hit the mark. Or, take this Classy Reporter, this could also probably be described as projectile, but I'm mostly sympathetic that almost 2 million people have viewed this travesty.
But I posit that non-projectile vomit deserves far more sympathy than the projectile species. How exactly does one have vomit without any sort of projection? Well, certainly any images that you conjure in your head are likely to cause you to [projectile] vomit.
What are your thoughts?
Nov 9, 2009
You know you're old when... 10:39 PM
- You need to ask your parents to change your diaper.
- Your parents refuse to clean your ears any more.
- You blow your life savings on a Brett The Hitman Hart ice cream from the ice cream man.
- You get in trouble for not knowing how to do 6x8.
- It's not okay when you wet the bed.
- You have a wet dream involving the dog.
- You get rejected from a college.
- You find yourself in the job market with a liberal arts degree.
- You are 26 and still a personal assistant.
- You have a wet dream involving your boss.
- She's decides not to have sex as you struggle with the condom.
- You find yourself re-enrolled at an undergraduate institution and your fellow students were born in the 1990's.
- Your little brother has a more impressive mustache than you do.
- You don't get carded at the liquor store after some twerp gets kicked out.
- They play Miley Cyrus at the club, and people know every word.
- You are older than your mayor.
- You are older than your president.
- You take out your first loan over the age of 35.
- People start wearing baggy pants again as if they are stylish.
- Your daughter beats you at tennis.
- You don't know any of the bands on the Billboard Top 10.
- Wetting the bed is not okay.
- You wish you still had wet dreams.
- You don't know where the keys are.
- You're on your third draft of your obituary.
- You blow your life savings on an ice cream bar.
Nov 7, 2009
Oct 29, 2009
A Gross Misunderstanding 1:42 PM
Time to start a new blog. I hear, see, and smell things. You do too (most likely). I also immediately blurt conclusions from the midbrain before it gets to the frontal lobes. I'm not ashamed, it's my sense of humor--let the autopilot drive for a while and jump to the wheel when you start hitting a speed bump. I plan to post pictures, videos, and stories of things that I find peculiar, odd, or just different. My first reaction is usually wrong, and gross.
