Dec 24, 2009
Dec 22, 2009
Dec 20, 2009
Dec 18, 2009
H-Ectomy 5:06 PM
"If you're in enough pain, you'll put anything in your butt."
-Me on my mother's painkiller suppository.
Dec 13, 2009
Dec 8, 2009
Dec 4, 2009
Dec 3, 2009
Who The Hell Poops In A Urinal? 4:12 PM
The men's bathroom is a strange and wonderful place. I cannot provide any comparison to the ladies room, which I imagine has couches, artwork, and private stalls with heated seats and toilet paper that rivals cashmere in its texture.
A men's room is a post-apocalyptic wasteland. There are holes in the walls, the smell of warm urine in the air, and graffiti scrawled everywhere. No matter the location, the humor of the graffiti is a constant, if not wildly different in class or taste. A truck top (possibly the most vile and sinister of all locations) will have the confederate flag with the words "Call Uncle Sam For A Good Time" scrawled underneath, while a Harvard Science Library bathroom will have an image of a virion and the words "Aaaw skeet skeet mu-fukah," and "aaaw skeet skeet goddam" written underneath with different handwriting. All holes any any bathroom have the obligitory "glory hole" written with an arrow pointing to the offending orafice. This is one of the constants in life that may be the solution to the life, the universe, and everything.
Aside from the graffiti culture and most putrid smell is the behavior of those who choose to urinate in the public forum that we know as the urinal. Most public bathrooms will have my lined up next to one another, and many will not have a barrier separating the the offending receptacles. The male's approach to each urinal is more telling than a polygraph test, Rorschach, and Pap smear combined.
I'm remembering a Flash game from the early days of the internet in 1997 or so, I have recently stumbled upon a version of the game here. No one in there right mind with an average (or less than average) size penis would ever choose the middle urinal. This is a scary place to be, to possibly be flanked by two other burly men who may or may not have the tools to create and implement a glory hole in the blink of an eye.
It is not the latent homophobia that causes a man to choose the urinal with the greatest chance to being close to any other person at all, it is the knowledge that each and every man who enters the bathroom is capable of defiling said bathroom to its current state--single-handedly. What kind of person exactly MISSES the toilet when they are taking a dump? Who finds it acceptable to rip a stall door off its hinges or dismantle the lock on the door? Who the hell POOPS IN A URINAL? The answer may surprise you. It could be your best friend that you have known all your life, the avid sports fan, the vice-president, or that guy that you have always suspected of being capable of pooping in a urinal [these categories are not mutually exclusive, by the way].
In any case, whoever is capable of committing these crimes against humanity, I don't want them peeing next to me.
A men's room is a post-apocalyptic wasteland. There are holes in the walls, the smell of warm urine in the air, and graffiti scrawled everywhere. No matter the location, the humor of the graffiti is a constant, if not wildly different in class or taste. A truck top (possibly the most vile and sinister of all locations) will have the confederate flag with the words "Call Uncle Sam For A Good Time" scrawled underneath, while a Harvard Science Library bathroom will have an image of a virion and the words "Aaaw skeet skeet mu-fukah," and "aaaw skeet skeet goddam" written underneath with different handwriting. All holes any any bathroom have the obligitory "glory hole" written with an arrow pointing to the offending orafice. This is one of the constants in life that may be the solution to the life, the universe, and everything.
Aside from the graffiti culture and most putrid smell is the behavior of those who choose to urinate in the public forum that we know as the urinal. Most public bathrooms will have my lined up next to one another, and many will not have a barrier separating the the offending receptacles. The male's approach to each urinal is more telling than a polygraph test, Rorschach, and Pap smear combined.
I'm remembering a Flash game from the early days of the internet in 1997 or so, I have recently stumbled upon a version of the game here. No one in there right mind with an average (or less than average) size penis would ever choose the middle urinal. This is a scary place to be, to possibly be flanked by two other burly men who may or may not have the tools to create and implement a glory hole in the blink of an eye.
It is not the latent homophobia that causes a man to choose the urinal with the greatest chance to being close to any other person at all, it is the knowledge that each and every man who enters the bathroom is capable of defiling said bathroom to its current state--single-handedly. What kind of person exactly MISSES the toilet when they are taking a dump? Who finds it acceptable to rip a stall door off its hinges or dismantle the lock on the door? Who the hell POOPS IN A URINAL? The answer may surprise you. It could be your best friend that you have known all your life, the avid sports fan, the vice-president, or that guy that you have always suspected of being capable of pooping in a urinal [these categories are not mutually exclusive, by the way].
In any case, whoever is capable of committing these crimes against humanity, I don't want them peeing next to me.
