The Manifesto

So, I've wanted to write about this for a long time, and I will not make this my official entry on the matter--I hope to have it published in a minor suburban newspaper at some point in the near future.  But it's about the etiquette of the toilet seat.  Some may see this as mysogenist, but if you use true reasoning, you will see that it actually benefits EVERYONE, and is not against any gender in particular.  In fact, it will level the playing field between men and women, which is what the women's rights movement is about...right?  Right?  RIGHT?

In Peter Post's  Essential Manners for Men, she states that it is a common courtesy for men to leave the seat down for the next visitor.  There is no such rule for women, which means women do not need to fill any form of etiquette on this sort of subject matter.  Yet, women seem to be the ones that enforce said rule.   You may refer to a past post of mine that is quite gross, but women should have such rules.  Women may complain about the seat being left up.  As my mom has frequently chastised me for in my youth, the seat being left up allows women to fall into the toilet.  Yes, this is an embarassing event to have happen to you, but I must take the position of Margaret Thatcher on this one, and suggest the idea that we all have our own sense of personal responsibility.  If you do not want to fall in the bowl, fucking put the seat down.

It's pretty simple.  But here's the problem.  If you leave the seat down, odds are that the seat will get pissed on.  Let's face it.  No matter how good a man's aim, no matter his level of sobriety, length, girth, or IQ he will on occasion piss on the seat.  It's not lack of focus, it's just an anatomical fact. See 3:36 of this clip. Men pee on the seat.  It's not out of spite.  The nice ones are the ones who wipe it up.  But, even if we live in a world filled with nice people, the fact is that EVERYONE pees on the seat.  Nice guys could lift the seat, but we know that the not-so-nice guys are peeing on it.  Why would you subject us to such torture.

So, here is my modest proposal. The seat be left up. It's not hard.  If the seat is left up, the nice guys piss on the bowl and wipe it up.  The not-so-nice guys piss on the bowl and don't wipe it up, but women (or poo-filled men) simply put the seat down over said piss.  This eliminates the need for men to be yelled at for 1. leaving the seat up,  2. yelled at for pissing on the seat, and 3. the culture that allows women to fall into to the toilet.

This is easy.  This is the way it should be.  This makes sense.  Any other way aside from a robot toilet is simply cruel and unusual punishment for men.  I vote equality.  If you are with me, spread the good word!

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And may I add.  We will not sit to pee.  No way, no how. Seahorse Seahell.

Also a good idea, but circumvents the logic, and does not solve the deeper problems.